I realized it’s been too long since I blogged. Anyway, the situation with my love is pretty much the same. Read about it at her blog.
But today was bizarre.
It would be entirely untrue to say I have not felt like this before. Elation followed by a sense deep, deep, disappointment. Wondering what’s next, what else could go wrong.
The sense of being let down. Again, and again.
Let’s put all this aside.
I must focus on my family, my wife, my son. What does this job or any other mean if I suddenly were to win the lottery? It would change our entire perspective. We would not be here in Malaysia. We would probably be in the US seeking the best medical treatments for Jennifer. And then re-inventing ourselves in different, wonderfully, different ways.
I have not won the lottery. Not even bought a ticket for the latest draw.
So Lord why this? Why now?
I know I have sinned. But I cannot believe in some cosmic way all this is because of some screw-ups. Man, you must not like me very much.
In times like these I wish I had a REAL friend, flesh and blood, no offense Jesus, just someone real.
Or that I could cry easily like a lot of these tau foo types.
How man? This terrible pain deep in my chest. I have made some really bad decisions, but all in all I could ALWAYS see your hand God in my life. What is your will and direction now? I am lost. For the first time in a while I don’t know.
I want to cry out, but the tears don’t come. They are there on the verge of spilling out. But then it stops. Boy this really hurts man.
The words of Brian Doerkson (You Shine) offers some solace:
Psalm 13
(How Long O Lord)
How long O Lord, will You forget me
How long O Lord
will You look the other way
How long O Lord
must I wrestle with my thoughts
And everyday
have such sorrow in my heart
Look on me and answer
O God my Father
bring light to my darkness
before they see me fall
But I trust in Your unfailing love
Yes my heart will rejoice
Still I sing of Your unfailing love
You have been good
You will be good to me
