Praying for TDM

I've spent the better part of this morning praying for Tun Dr Mahathir who as we all know is currently undergoing heart bypass surgery.

I pray for TDM and his family, for his surgery to be a complete success and that he will recover fully.

His family (we the Malaysian people) need him still. He has much left to do.

May God bless him and guide his surgeons with the utmost care.

Do join me in praying for The Man...


Updates: I'm sure the usual suspects will carry updates and stories. Here's daughter and fellow blogger Marina's. Also check out Rocky as always

We are Raised Up!

I just caught Josh Groban and the African Children's Choir on American Idol, and I suddenly remembered how Jennifer used to sing this song for me and Jr. She had the most amazing voice -- I wish I had her on video, but I still remember her very powerful and wonderful voice, especially whenever she sang from the heart in the most difficult times of her very short but full life...

She often told me that she could go on because of how I lifted her, and whenever she thought of Jr. We go on now because of her, to do her honour and to keep her alive in our hearts.

I will scale my every mountain and shout from the top to her in heaven that I remember what she told me: To never give up my dreams because of her. To not let her death hold me back from realizing my fullest potential.

"You Raise Me Up"

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

There is no life, no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But then you come, and I am filled with wonder;
Sometimes I think, I glimpse eternity.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up... To more than I can be.

My love, it is now YOU who raise us up!

There Is None Like Jennifer

It's been a year now that Jennifer left us. And my, what a year it has been!

There has been so many changes. Some good, some not so good, but all in all, I can truly see how God has been so loving and merciful to us, Jennifer's loved ones.

We all miss Jennifer. And we always will. It does not get easier really, but it does get better.

One of my favourite songs is "There Is None Like You". It speaks about how there is no possible substitute for God in our life, but I have come to sing it to Jennifer. Here are the lyrics, and I am sure you can see why...

There Is None Like You

There is none like You
No one else can touch my heart like You do
I could search for all eternity long
And find there is none like You

Your mercy flows like a river wide
And healing comes from Your hands
Suffering children are safe in Your arms
There is none like You

There is none like You
No one else can touch my heart like You do
I could search for all eternity long
And find there is none like You

There truly is no one like her, and I know there will never ever be.

So love, look down on us from heaven above and know that you are forever in our hearts.

We love you still...

Open to being open?

One of the "strangers" I met has turned out to be more of a distraction than I thought. I want to be Adam to her Eve, but alas, it does not seem to be possible. Hmmm, will I ever meet anyone else that captivates me so?

nobody gets me ... yet? Or ever?

This I found out only today...

My wife told a friend of mine (and I have so few) that he was one of those who "got me" too. For the uninitiated: "got me" i.e. understood me at a very deep level. It struck me how right she was. And how wrong too. Because while I love this dear friend of mine, he does not get me as Jennifer did.

She got me, almost completely. She had an insight that no other human person had into me. It was as if she was gifted with the ability to look into my soul.

I miss her on so many levels. This one is the hardest. That no one will ever get me again.

I was out tonight with three almost complete strangers. After a lot of wine (beer, espresso and lattes as well) it just struck me -- these people and yes, others in my life now would probably never ever appreciate the complexity that is me.

That in a room full of people I could be completely alone. That even if I was by myself I would not feel alone.

Jennifer got me very quickly, she never really accepted my whole make-up (she always felt that I was way too complex) but she knew me in a way that no one else did, almost from the get go. She searched much deeper within. She looked into my heart.

And she got me.

In our first weekend together, she got me. I knew then, as the world knows now, that she was truly my soul companion...

Now it seems to feel that no one else will. That is sad. Which makes me miss her all the more.

I remember crying with her very early into our journey with her cancer that we would not be able to grow old together -- her answer: what we had was more, much more intense than what most couples shared in a lifetime, and that it was better than two people who grew old together not really knowing each other. We made each other our priority. We had consistently made each other, the other’s centre. That in a world of billions there was only the both of us. Alone in a crowd. Together when we were alone.

The tears are rolling now.

I have opened myself to the possibility of another person in my life, but now it seems somewhat pointless – will she ever get me?

I was on the phone with my "son" in the US for a couple of hours. Kev knows a lot of the "war stories". As does Vin.

But no one has the singular perspective that my love had. And it wasn't just because we were together for nine years. I’ve known Vin for 30, Kev for 15.

What was is then? Maybe God made her that way. Maybe He knew I had to be got then. What now?

Really, what now God?

Not being got is hard. Getting the other person and not being got is harder. The hardest is this: realizing that I will probably never be got again.

So here’s what we will do: not look to be got. Just get on with the living (and possibly not the loving) and pray, pray, pray that not being got will not change me as much as I’m afraid it will.

Pray that God will speak louder, clearer and bring people into my life that will get the bits of me they need to get. Or rather, that I need them to get.

Here’s a novel idea: maybe Junior will have his mum’s gift and get me as much as she could.

Lately it seems like I’m putting a lot on his tiny little shoulders – but he’s blessed with being able to manage it all in his own affable manner. He gets that from her.

Maybe he will get me when he grows up. Until then, I will try not to want to be got.

The dark night of the soul must pass.

one month later

It's been a month.

So much has changed but yet so much remains the same. I miss my wife so much. I don't miss her like some of you would imagine. Just a deep sense of loss -- a void. I told someone that a part of my heart died with her. The part that I believe is reserved for her alone.

Does that make sense?

Cried a fair bit today... I pray it gets easier as time passes.

But don't get me wrong: it's not all tears. I have been busy. With work. New business ideas. Out with friends. Making new friends. Getting to know old friends better. I've spending a lot of time amongst the leaves, trying to see the garden of Eden that God has planned for me.

Jennifer told me in our last weeks together that she wanted me to "go for my dreams" that she "did not want to hold me back". Even to the extent of finding love again. She was like that, truly.

I live life now with a renewed passion, for her, for Junior and of course, myself.

Viva Jennifer!

Jennifer Goes to Heaven

Today, my wife breathed her last. I was filled with all kinds of weird emotions. One, of a deep, deep, deep sense of loss. Another of relief for her as her suffering was so very great towards the end.

I know that a part of me died with her. But that the rest of me must still go on. For Junior, for my parents, and for all our loved ones. But my life will forever no longer be the same.

I lost my bestest friend in the world as well today. Someone who humanly came closest to "getting" me. This is possibly the saddest thing as I'm not easily understandable.

How will we go on?

I'm not sure now, but I know we will live through this, just like how we've sailed through every storm, survived every speed bump.

May God welcome her with open arms, may she take our Lord's hands and never ever let go.

She promised me she'd always be with us. And my wife always keeps her promises.

requiescat in pace et lux perpetua luceat ei

Bad News Blogs?

Looking at this blog, one would think that I am a negative sort. However, I am not.

It is just that sooo many bad things just seem to happen to us (family + me). In God's eyes, there are no coincidences, I know, but sometimes it is too hard to understand what He is saying.

Anyway some happy news: Junior and I began work on his second book. He wants to do it to raise funds for Jennifer's treatments. I cried the first time he told me.

I can't tell you what's it's about yet (I'm sworn to secrecy) but I would ask you to check his blog for an idea...

My resolutions for 2006? To live strong. That is it. Simple, eh?

My love to all who read this blog. I will try and blog soon.

What now?

I realized it’s been too long since I blogged. Anyway, the situation with my love is pretty much the same. Read about it at her blog.

But today was bizarre.

It would be entirely untrue to say I have not felt like this before. Elation followed by a sense deep, deep, disappointment. Wondering what’s next, what else could go wrong.

The sense of being let down. Again, and again.

Let’s put all this aside.

I must focus on my family, my wife, my son. What does this job or any other mean if I suddenly were to win the lottery? It would change our entire perspective. We would not be here in Malaysia. We would probably be in the US seeking the best medical treatments for Jennifer. And then re-inventing ourselves in different, wonderfully, different ways.

I have not won the lottery. Not even bought a ticket for the latest draw.

So Lord why this? Why now?

I know I have sinned. But I cannot believe in some cosmic way all this is because of some screw-ups. Man, you must not like me very much.

In times like these I wish I had a REAL friend, flesh and blood, no offense Jesus, just someone real.

Or that I could cry easily like a lot of these tau foo types.

How man? This terrible pain deep in my chest. I have made some really bad decisions, but all in all I could ALWAYS see your hand God in my life. What is your will and direction now? I am lost. For the first time in a while I don’t know.

I want to cry out, but the tears don’t come. They are there on the verge of spilling out. But then it stops. Boy this really hurts man.

The words of Brian Doerkson (You Shine) offers some solace:

Psalm 13
(How Long O Lord)

How long O Lord, will You forget me
How long O Lord
will You look the other way
How long O Lord
must I wrestle with my thoughts
And everyday
have such sorrow in my heart
Look on me and answer
O God my Father
bring light to my darkness
before they see me fall

But I trust in Your unfailing love
Yes my heart will rejoice
Still I sing of Your unfailing love
You have been good
You will be good to me

Our Worst Fears

Jennifer's disease has progressed.    

More Scans

Jennifer is doing her scans today. Please pray for good clean scans. We feel the spinal cord and neck might be getting worse as she is experiencing numbness in her hands and fingers (she can’t grip a pen to write or use chopsticks to eat very well).

Nevertheless we trust and believe in God’s faithfulness to us.

I will blog the results later (as soon as we know). So feel free to check it out later.

One Year Later!

It's been a year since our lives were changed forever. Jennifer discovered she had cancer from severe headaches, and has since had three major surgeries, numerous therapies and scans.I thank our God for His wonderful love and blessings on us this last year. We are really blessed because he has journeyed with us every step of the way. His faithfulness to us is remarkable! We are both so thankful for the many wonderful people who have become a part of our lives this last year.Our Doctors have also been the best. Dr. FC Wong, our Neurosurgeon has become a close family friend. Dr Christina Ng, whose mobile number we still don't know, is by far the most gentle, patient and caring Oncologist around.For all who have provided information, leads and testimonies on the various things to try or to eat, we also thank you, Jennifer is now also very well versed (as am I) on the different therapies and alternative treatments out there for cancer.

Why do I feel thankful?

Firstly, God has given me the strength to be there for my wife. Without Him, there could be no smiles or “positive”ness or the deep feeling of peace in my heart. God has also given the same faith to Jennifer. She is a CHAMPION! She takes everything in her stride. Yes, there are times she cries out in pain or in fear, but always, and I mean always, Jesus is right there for her, and for me. Thank you for that God!

Secondly, God has used this cancer to help us get closer to Him. It is so easy to seek the Lord now. For me, it also ensures that I take the time to pray. Thank you Jesus for the relationship we’re having. For without the cancer, I might not feel the need for you in my life as strongly.Thirdly, the community has come together many, many times because of Jennifer and our family. The numerous prayer sessions, Mass, gatherings. I often felt that our house was too big for just the three of us. The Lord has brought many friends and families to fill our space. Thanks for this too God.

Fourthly, God has seen to our financial needs. Cancer is a very expensive illness to treat and fight. Unfortunately a few of our insurance policies lapsed when Jennifer decided to venture on her own. But nevertheless, God in His infinite wisdom and love has seen to it that our needs are met. Friends have donated to a fund that was the initiative of our Kristus Aman chapel brothers and sisters. My bosses at Berjaya have also been generous with a sizeable contribution and loan. All in all, we have nit had to say no to a treatment. God is so good. He will carry us on this as well.

Fifthly, the prognosis was not good to begin with. 4 to 6 months was what they gave us. It's been a year! Need I say more?

Amen!