Jennifer Goes to Heaven

Today, my wife breathed her last. I was filled with all kinds of weird emotions. One, of a deep, deep, deep sense of loss. Another of relief for her as her suffering was so very great towards the end.

I know that a part of me died with her. But that the rest of me must still go on. For Junior, for my parents, and for all our loved ones. But my life will forever no longer be the same.

I lost my bestest friend in the world as well today. Someone who humanly came closest to "getting" me. This is possibly the saddest thing as I'm not easily understandable.

How will we go on?

I'm not sure now, but I know we will live through this, just like how we've sailed through every storm, survived every speed bump.

May God welcome her with open arms, may she take our Lord's hands and never ever let go.

She promised me she'd always be with us. And my wife always keeps her promises.

requiescat in pace et lux perpetua luceat ei

Bad News Blogs?

Looking at this blog, one would think that I am a negative sort. However, I am not.

It is just that sooo many bad things just seem to happen to us (family + me). In God's eyes, there are no coincidences, I know, but sometimes it is too hard to understand what He is saying.

Anyway some happy news: Junior and I began work on his second book. He wants to do it to raise funds for Jennifer's treatments. I cried the first time he told me.

I can't tell you what's it's about yet (I'm sworn to secrecy) but I would ask you to check his blog for an idea...

My resolutions for 2006? To live strong. That is it. Simple, eh?

My love to all who read this blog. I will try and blog soon.

What now?

I realized it’s been too long since I blogged. Anyway, the situation with my love is pretty much the same. Read about it at her blog.

But today was bizarre.

It would be entirely untrue to say I have not felt like this before. Elation followed by a sense deep, deep, disappointment. Wondering what’s next, what else could go wrong.

The sense of being let down. Again, and again.

Let’s put all this aside.

I must focus on my family, my wife, my son. What does this job or any other mean if I suddenly were to win the lottery? It would change our entire perspective. We would not be here in Malaysia. We would probably be in the US seeking the best medical treatments for Jennifer. And then re-inventing ourselves in different, wonderfully, different ways.

I have not won the lottery. Not even bought a ticket for the latest draw.

So Lord why this? Why now?

I know I have sinned. But I cannot believe in some cosmic way all this is because of some screw-ups. Man, you must not like me very much.

In times like these I wish I had a REAL friend, flesh and blood, no offense Jesus, just someone real.

Or that I could cry easily like a lot of these tau foo types.

How man? This terrible pain deep in my chest. I have made some really bad decisions, but all in all I could ALWAYS see your hand God in my life. What is your will and direction now? I am lost. For the first time in a while I don’t know.

I want to cry out, but the tears don’t come. They are there on the verge of spilling out. But then it stops. Boy this really hurts man.

The words of Brian Doerkson (You Shine) offers some solace:

Psalm 13
(How Long O Lord)

How long O Lord, will You forget me
How long O Lord
will You look the other way
How long O Lord
must I wrestle with my thoughts
And everyday
have such sorrow in my heart
Look on me and answer
O God my Father
bring light to my darkness
before they see me fall

But I trust in Your unfailing love
Yes my heart will rejoice
Still I sing of Your unfailing love
You have been good
You will be good to me

Our Worst Fears

Jennifer's disease has progressed.    

More Scans

Jennifer is doing her scans today. Please pray for good clean scans. We feel the spinal cord and neck might be getting worse as she is experiencing numbness in her hands and fingers (she can’t grip a pen to write or use chopsticks to eat very well).

Nevertheless we trust and believe in God’s faithfulness to us.

I will blog the results later (as soon as we know). So feel free to check it out later.

One Year Later!

It's been a year since our lives were changed forever. Jennifer discovered she had cancer from severe headaches, and has since had three major surgeries, numerous therapies and scans.I thank our God for His wonderful love and blessings on us this last year. We are really blessed because he has journeyed with us every step of the way. His faithfulness to us is remarkable! We are both so thankful for the many wonderful people who have become a part of our lives this last year.Our Doctors have also been the best. Dr. FC Wong, our Neurosurgeon has become a close family friend. Dr Christina Ng, whose mobile number we still don't know, is by far the most gentle, patient and caring Oncologist around.For all who have provided information, leads and testimonies on the various things to try or to eat, we also thank you, Jennifer is now also very well versed (as am I) on the different therapies and alternative treatments out there for cancer.

Why do I feel thankful?

Firstly, God has given me the strength to be there for my wife. Without Him, there could be no smiles or “positive”ness or the deep feeling of peace in my heart. God has also given the same faith to Jennifer. She is a CHAMPION! She takes everything in her stride. Yes, there are times she cries out in pain or in fear, but always, and I mean always, Jesus is right there for her, and for me. Thank you for that God!

Secondly, God has used this cancer to help us get closer to Him. It is so easy to seek the Lord now. For me, it also ensures that I take the time to pray. Thank you Jesus for the relationship we’re having. For without the cancer, I might not feel the need for you in my life as strongly.Thirdly, the community has come together many, many times because of Jennifer and our family. The numerous prayer sessions, Mass, gatherings. I often felt that our house was too big for just the three of us. The Lord has brought many friends and families to fill our space. Thanks for this too God.

Fourthly, God has seen to our financial needs. Cancer is a very expensive illness to treat and fight. Unfortunately a few of our insurance policies lapsed when Jennifer decided to venture on her own. But nevertheless, God in His infinite wisdom and love has seen to it that our needs are met. Friends have donated to a fund that was the initiative of our Kristus Aman chapel brothers and sisters. My bosses at Berjaya have also been generous with a sizeable contribution and loan. All in all, we have nit had to say no to a treatment. God is so good. He will carry us on this as well.

Fifthly, the prognosis was not good to begin with. 4 to 6 months was what they gave us. It's been a year! Need I say more?

Amen!