Randy's First

Today is a year since Randy Pausch left us.

Like millions of others the world over, Randy’s Last Lecture touched me in ways I honestly cannot explain. Soon after watching the lecture on YouTube I started communicating with Randy, telling him about the impact he made in my life, and how we had this “cancer” connection with each other.

Randy wrote sparingly, as you would imagine a man who counted seconds. But I do remember one very poignant note he sent me, where he said he was “just about out of time…”

I broke down and cried. I read and reread the email. It brought back memories of the last weeks of Jennifer’s life, when I knew in my heart that we had but moments left.

Then the news came, a year ago today. I mourned for Randy; I grieved very deeply for him. It was as if I had lost yet another loved one to cancer.

I hate this disease so much. It has torn a hole in my soul. If I could, I would dedicate my life to fighting this disease – I have in my own little way, but it is never enough.

I try to live life based on many of Randy’s isms: “just how we play the hand” “Have something to bring to the table, because that will make you more welcome” “Loyalty is a two-way street” and many, many more.

Once in a while when I feel lost, lonely and depressed, I load up Randy’s video and I sit there for one hour, sixteen minutes and twenty-seven seconds in awe. And I find my spirit lifted, I have laughed and cried and laughed some more with Randy and all at CMU on that fateful day. I especially look out for Jai, and light up when she comes forward for the cake. I felt a connection with her because she was a fellow caregiver, because she now too knows the sense of emptiness of loss from losing a wonderful, wonderful spouse. I still visit Randy's website almost everyday, hoping to find an update on the family...

Randy, I know you are in heaven, because one as good, who suffered so much must be in a place where you continue to look over your loved ones and enjoy their achievements, living up to their childhood dreams and realizing their fullest potential as the most wonderful people God wanted them to be.

Just as I know that Jennifer watches over us, and can feel her presence at times I believe Randy also watches over his loved ones.

To Jai, Dylan, Logan and Chloe, I hope this anniversary is filled with much peace and happiness, I know the loss, and the grief is hard, but in time, you will be able to fill this painful space with the love your husband/father had for you.

Cancer may have claimed Randy your beloved from this side of heaven, but it will never ever diminish his great love for you. And know this, like millions throughout the world, our thoughts and prayer and love are with you today.

Goodbye Randy

Randy Pausch left to start his "next adventure" today. He was 47.

I suspected his time was short because he actually responded to an e-mail I sent him (about writing the foreword for my book) apologizing that he could not because he was "running out of time".

Funnily enough, I wrote Randy an e-mail today after reading the update someone posted on his site which I check daily. The update mentioned he was in hospice care. It was also from there that I got the news of his passing a couple of hours ago.

I feel suddenly empty.

Truth is, Randy has not only been an inspiration, but has been a driving force in my life lately. Let me explain: since hearing about "The Last Lecture" I have watched it countless times. It was a way of connecting with the "cancer community" that I am a part, and more importantly it drove me to be the better person we are all called to be.

In his words: "If you lead your life the right way, the karma will take care
of itself. The dreams will come to you" and my ultimate favourite, which has helped me in my time of grief, "we cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand".

Randy's other lecture on Time Management is equally wonderful. I believe he wrote it with me in mind!

I have Randy to thank for "pushing" me to continue writing and complete the book I began just after Jennifer's passing. I will move forward to getting it published soon.

I'm actually too choked-up to write more. Please check out my blog for more info.

RIP brother, and send our love to Jennifer, we miss you both, but will continue to live with you in our hearts!

Randy's Book

I bought Randy Pausch's The Last Lecture book when it first came out a couple of months ago. I started reading eagerly, but could not continue as some of the thoughts were "too close to home"...

But then recently I picked it up again and fought through the tears and pain to finish it. 

I'm glad I did, because it's a wonderful book, almost as wonderful as the video itself. Now I have a goal: to get Randy to write the foreword for my book. In case you don't know this is the book I am writing based on my experiences as caregiver to my late wife, Jennifer. 

I am of course facing two "brick walls" to make this happen.

The first: is Randy well enough? According to his site which I check daily, he might be able to do it. 

The second: how do I get to him. So far two of my earlier e-mails to him have remained unanswered, but I can understand, and to be honest, I did not expect him to reply. 

Anyway, as Randy says, "...the brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don't want it badly enough..."

Yes. I will climb these brick walls, because I want this "bad enough". Stay tuned for updates...

Jennifer's 2nd is also ours

Today, Jennifer turns two, in Heaven years that is. Of course I am using human years to calculate heaven years. I will need to wait until I go to heaven (and yes, I struggle daily with this) to find out how long heaven years are.

We continue to live our lives as best we can -- as she would have wanted us to. Jr and I will fly up to Penang this Friday, where she is interred to give her flowers and spend some time in prayer at her grave. It would have also been her 40th birthday, so the trip is all that more poignant.

When I planned the trip I only focussed on the fact that it was her birthday -- without realising that it is also Good Friday. For us Catholic-Christians, Good Friday is a really BIG DEAL, so we are very happy to spend it in honour of Jennifer's memory.

For her friends who check in to this blog on her anniversary: we will be having the usual Memorial makan session only after Easter as my friend, Albert will be so busy celebrating the Triduum leading up to Easter. I'll let you all know when we know.

I very recently came across something that I find to be supremely inspirational: "The Last Lecture" by Randy Pausch. You have to see this for yourselves as words cannot describe how wonderful it is. Over 6 million people have watched it, and Randy has been on Oprah and most recently, testified at the US Congress.

Check it out here.

My prayers are with Jai, Dylan, Logan and Chloe and of course, Randy! You have touched my life so much, and I hope you will continue to have many more months of "good health"!

I'm also compiling my thoughts on Jennifer in a new blog which I had hoped would be ready by today, but nevertheless, I'll let you all know when it's live.

Not so Happy Birthday

They tell you that Anniversaries and Birthdays are when you will miss your loved ones most. This weekend was my 38th birthday and my second since Jennifer left us.

It struck me as odd that I am now officially older than her, something I never ever believed would happen.

There were two celebrations, one with family, and the other with friends. The parties were lovely -- with good food, and even better company -- but I could not shake the empty feeling I had inside.

Then it hit me.

I missed her. I miss her not because the people surrounding me were lacking, but rather because she was always so central to every celebration, to every party. She was always the life of the party, the one who would laugh out loudest, who would organize everyone to dance, sing, whatever! 

I feel so lost without her at times, and none more than this weekend. I wish I could feel her presence, I wish I could reach out and touch the air and somehow feel her spirit.

But there is nothing there, only the air, only emptiness...

You're my God!!

There have been times these last few months where I have been particularly challenged, but through it all, God has reigned supreme. 

Tonight I want to share this favourite song of mine, Here I am to Worship by Tim Hughes as sung by Chris Tomlin.

May you also see the lovely power of God in your lives, how wonderful He is and how worthy He is of our worship!

Light of the world
You stepped down into darkness.
Opened my eyes, let me see.
Beauty that made this heart adore You
Hope of a life spent with You

Here I am to worship,
Here I am to bow down,
Here I am to say that You're my God
You're altogether lovely
Altogether worthy,
Altogether wonderful to me

King of all days
oh, so highly exalted
Glorious in heaven above
Humbly You came
To the earth You created
All for love's sake became poor

Here I am to worship,
Here I am to bow down,
Here I am to say that You're my God
You're altogether lovely
Altogether worthy,
Altogether wonderful to me

I'll never know how much it cost
To see my sin upon that cross
I'll never know how much it cost
To see my sin upon that cross
I'll never know how much it cost
To see my sin upon that cross
I'll never know how much it cost
To see my sin upon that cross

Here I am to worship,
Here I am to bow down,
Here I am to say that You're my God
You're altogether lovely
Altogether worthy,
Altogether wonderful to me.

Amen!

FREE BURMA

Blogging for Burma

I signed up last night at www.free-burma.org to blog (or rather NOT to blog) on October 4th as part of the International Bloggers movement to help our Burmese friends. I'm number 1177...

I've also just done up a little LREC banner for this cause. Please feel free to use it for your own blog efforts. It's an image of a monk who's behind bars, looking serene and determined.

I'll see you all on the 4th!

FREE MYANMAR NOW! FREE DAW AUNG SAN SUU KYI NOW!

Praying for TDM

I've spent the better part of this morning praying for Tun Dr Mahathir who as we all know is currently undergoing heart bypass surgery.

I pray for TDM and his family, for his surgery to be a complete success and that he will recover fully.

His family (we the Malaysian people) need him still. He has much left to do.

May God bless him and guide his surgeons with the utmost care.

Do join me in praying for The Man...


Updates: I'm sure the usual suspects will carry updates and stories. Here's daughter and fellow blogger Marina's. Also check out Rocky as always

We are Raised Up!

I just caught Josh Groban and the African Children's Choir on American Idol, and I suddenly remembered how Jennifer used to sing this song for me and Jr. She had the most amazing voice -- I wish I had her on video, but I still remember her very powerful and wonderful voice, especially whenever she sang from the heart in the most difficult times of her very short but full life...

She often told me that she could go on because of how I lifted her, and whenever she thought of Jr. We go on now because of her, to do her honour and to keep her alive in our hearts.

I will scale my every mountain and shout from the top to her in heaven that I remember what she told me: To never give up my dreams because of her. To not let her death hold me back from realizing my fullest potential.

"You Raise Me Up"

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

There is no life, no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But then you come, and I am filled with wonder;
Sometimes I think, I glimpse eternity.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up... To more than I can be.

My love, it is now YOU who raise us up!

There Is None Like Jennifer

It's been a year now that Jennifer left us. And my, what a year it has been!

There has been so many changes. Some good, some not so good, but all in all, I can truly see how God has been so loving and merciful to us, Jennifer's loved ones.

We all miss Jennifer. And we always will. It does not get easier really, but it does get better.

One of my favourite songs is "There Is None Like You". It speaks about how there is no possible substitute for God in our life, but I have come to sing it to Jennifer. Here are the lyrics, and I am sure you can see why...

There Is None Like You

There is none like You
No one else can touch my heart like You do
I could search for all eternity long
And find there is none like You

Your mercy flows like a river wide
And healing comes from Your hands
Suffering children are safe in Your arms
There is none like You

There is none like You
No one else can touch my heart like You do
I could search for all eternity long
And find there is none like You

There truly is no one like her, and I know there will never ever be.

So love, look down on us from heaven above and know that you are forever in our hearts.

We love you still...

Open to being open?

One of the "strangers" I met has turned out to be more of a distraction than I thought. I want to be Adam to her Eve, but alas, it does not seem to be possible. Hmmm, will I ever meet anyone else that captivates me so?

nobody gets me ... yet? Or ever?

This I found out only today...

My wife told a friend of mine (and I have so few) that he was one of those who "got me" too. For the uninitiated: "got me" i.e. understood me at a very deep level. It struck me how right she was. And how wrong too. Because while I love this dear friend of mine, he does not get me as Jennifer did.

She got me, almost completely. She had an insight that no other human person had into me. It was as if she was gifted with the ability to look into my soul.

I miss her on so many levels. This one is the hardest. That no one will ever get me again.

I was out tonight with three almost complete strangers. After a lot of wine (beer, espresso and lattes as well) it just struck me -- these people and yes, others in my life now would probably never ever appreciate the complexity that is me.

That in a room full of people I could be completely alone. That even if I was by myself I would not feel alone.

Jennifer got me very quickly, she never really accepted my whole make-up (she always felt that I was way too complex) but she knew me in a way that no one else did, almost from the get go. She searched much deeper within. She looked into my heart.

And she got me.

In our first weekend together, she got me. I knew then, as the world knows now, that she was truly my soul companion...

Now it seems to feel that no one else will. That is sad. Which makes me miss her all the more.

I remember crying with her very early into our journey with her cancer that we would not be able to grow old together -- her answer: what we had was more, much more intense than what most couples shared in a lifetime, and that it was better than two people who grew old together not really knowing each other. We made each other our priority. We had consistently made each other, the other’s centre. That in a world of billions there was only the both of us. Alone in a crowd. Together when we were alone.

The tears are rolling now.

I have opened myself to the possibility of another person in my life, but now it seems somewhat pointless – will she ever get me?

I was on the phone with my "son" in the US for a couple of hours. Kev knows a lot of the "war stories". As does Vin.

But no one has the singular perspective that my love had. And it wasn't just because we were together for nine years. I’ve known Vin for 30, Kev for 15.

What was is then? Maybe God made her that way. Maybe He knew I had to be got then. What now?

Really, what now God?

Not being got is hard. Getting the other person and not being got is harder. The hardest is this: realizing that I will probably never be got again.

So here’s what we will do: not look to be got. Just get on with the living (and possibly not the loving) and pray, pray, pray that not being got will not change me as much as I’m afraid it will.

Pray that God will speak louder, clearer and bring people into my life that will get the bits of me they need to get. Or rather, that I need them to get.

Here’s a novel idea: maybe Junior will have his mum’s gift and get me as much as she could.

Lately it seems like I’m putting a lot on his tiny little shoulders – but he’s blessed with being able to manage it all in his own affable manner. He gets that from her.

Maybe he will get me when he grows up. Until then, I will try not to want to be got.

The dark night of the soul must pass.

one month later

It's been a month.

So much has changed but yet so much remains the same. I miss my wife so much. I don't miss her like some of you would imagine. Just a deep sense of loss -- a void. I told someone that a part of my heart died with her. The part that I believe is reserved for her alone.

Does that make sense?

Cried a fair bit today... I pray it gets easier as time passes.

But don't get me wrong: it's not all tears. I have been busy. With work. New business ideas. Out with friends. Making new friends. Getting to know old friends better. I've spending a lot of time amongst the leaves, trying to see the garden of Eden that God has planned for me.

Jennifer told me in our last weeks together that she wanted me to "go for my dreams" that she "did not want to hold me back". Even to the extent of finding love again. She was like that, truly.

I live life now with a renewed passion, for her, for Junior and of course, myself.

Viva Jennifer!

Jennifer Goes to Heaven

Today, my wife breathed her last. I was filled with all kinds of weird emotions. One, of a deep, deep, deep sense of loss. Another of relief for her as her suffering was so very great towards the end.

I know that a part of me died with her. But that the rest of me must still go on. For Junior, for my parents, and for all our loved ones. But my life will forever no longer be the same.

I lost my bestest friend in the world as well today. Someone who humanly came closest to "getting" me. This is possibly the saddest thing as I'm not easily understandable.

How will we go on?

I'm not sure now, but I know we will live through this, just like how we've sailed through every storm, survived every speed bump.

May God welcome her with open arms, may she take our Lord's hands and never ever let go.

She promised me she'd always be with us. And my wife always keeps her promises.

requiescat in pace et lux perpetua luceat ei

Bad News Blogs?

Looking at this blog, one would think that I am a negative sort. However, I am not.

It is just that sooo many bad things just seem to happen to us (family + me). In God's eyes, there are no coincidences, I know, but sometimes it is too hard to understand what He is saying.

Anyway some happy news: Junior and I began work on his second book. He wants to do it to raise funds for Jennifer's treatments. I cried the first time he told me.

I can't tell you what's it's about yet (I'm sworn to secrecy) but I would ask you to check his blog for an idea...

My resolutions for 2006? To live strong. That is it. Simple, eh?

My love to all who read this blog. I will try and blog soon.

What now?

I realized it’s been too long since I blogged. Anyway, the situation with my love is pretty much the same. Read about it at her blog.

But today was bizarre.

It would be entirely untrue to say I have not felt like this before. Elation followed by a sense deep, deep, disappointment. Wondering what’s next, what else could go wrong.

The sense of being let down. Again, and again.

Let’s put all this aside.

I must focus on my family, my wife, my son. What does this job or any other mean if I suddenly were to win the lottery? It would change our entire perspective. We would not be here in Malaysia. We would probably be in the US seeking the best medical treatments for Jennifer. And then re-inventing ourselves in different, wonderfully, different ways.

I have not won the lottery. Not even bought a ticket for the latest draw.

So Lord why this? Why now?

I know I have sinned. But I cannot believe in some cosmic way all this is because of some screw-ups. Man, you must not like me very much.

In times like these I wish I had a REAL friend, flesh and blood, no offense Jesus, just someone real.

Or that I could cry easily like a lot of these tau foo types.

How man? This terrible pain deep in my chest. I have made some really bad decisions, but all in all I could ALWAYS see your hand God in my life. What is your will and direction now? I am lost. For the first time in a while I don’t know.

I want to cry out, but the tears don’t come. They are there on the verge of spilling out. But then it stops. Boy this really hurts man.

The words of Brian Doerkson (You Shine) offers some solace:

Psalm 13
(How Long O Lord)

How long O Lord, will You forget me
How long O Lord
will You look the other way
How long O Lord
must I wrestle with my thoughts
And everyday
have such sorrow in my heart
Look on me and answer
O God my Father
bring light to my darkness
before they see me fall

But I trust in Your unfailing love
Yes my heart will rejoice
Still I sing of Your unfailing love
You have been good
You will be good to me

Our Worst Fears

Jennifer's disease has progressed.    

More Scans

Jennifer is doing her scans today. Please pray for good clean scans. We feel the spinal cord and neck might be getting worse as she is experiencing numbness in her hands and fingers (she can’t grip a pen to write or use chopsticks to eat very well).

Nevertheless we trust and believe in God’s faithfulness to us.

I will blog the results later (as soon as we know). So feel free to check it out later.

One Year Later!

It's been a year since our lives were changed forever. Jennifer discovered she had cancer from severe headaches, and has since had three major surgeries, numerous therapies and scans.I thank our God for His wonderful love and blessings on us this last year. We are really blessed because he has journeyed with us every step of the way. His faithfulness to us is remarkable! We are both so thankful for the many wonderful people who have become a part of our lives this last year.Our Doctors have also been the best. Dr. FC Wong, our Neurosurgeon has become a close family friend. Dr Christina Ng, whose mobile number we still don't know, is by far the most gentle, patient and caring Oncologist around.For all who have provided information, leads and testimonies on the various things to try or to eat, we also thank you, Jennifer is now also very well versed (as am I) on the different therapies and alternative treatments out there for cancer.

Why do I feel thankful?

Firstly, God has given me the strength to be there for my wife. Without Him, there could be no smiles or “positive”ness or the deep feeling of peace in my heart. God has also given the same faith to Jennifer. She is a CHAMPION! She takes everything in her stride. Yes, there are times she cries out in pain or in fear, but always, and I mean always, Jesus is right there for her, and for me. Thank you for that God!

Secondly, God has used this cancer to help us get closer to Him. It is so easy to seek the Lord now. For me, it also ensures that I take the time to pray. Thank you Jesus for the relationship we’re having. For without the cancer, I might not feel the need for you in my life as strongly.Thirdly, the community has come together many, many times because of Jennifer and our family. The numerous prayer sessions, Mass, gatherings. I often felt that our house was too big for just the three of us. The Lord has brought many friends and families to fill our space. Thanks for this too God.

Fourthly, God has seen to our financial needs. Cancer is a very expensive illness to treat and fight. Unfortunately a few of our insurance policies lapsed when Jennifer decided to venture on her own. But nevertheless, God in His infinite wisdom and love has seen to it that our needs are met. Friends have donated to a fund that was the initiative of our Kristus Aman chapel brothers and sisters. My bosses at Berjaya have also been generous with a sizeable contribution and loan. All in all, we have nit had to say no to a treatment. God is so good. He will carry us on this as well.

Fifthly, the prognosis was not good to begin with. 4 to 6 months was what they gave us. It's been a year! Need I say more?

Amen!